When at Wit’s End

LakeCreek Montessori School • April 3, 2025

Discover four key strategies to strengthen your parent-child connection: understanding mistaken goals, using playful parenting, scheduling special time, and creating visual routines.


Our children are hard-wired to test boundaries. They do this while simultaneously wanting assurance that they are accepted and belong. While this tendency may try our patience, it helps to remember that children just want to know that we can maintain both limits and connection.


Over the years, we’ve found four key approaches that, when used in parallel, can help re-establish relationships, provide clarity of expectations and routines, and help children feel understood and valued.


Mistaken Goals


Often, our children act out when their needs are not being met in some way. If we can understand what our children are trying to achieve through their behavior, we can address these underlying needs. The Positive Discipline model identifies how many behaviors stem from four mistaken goals: the desire for attention, the need for power, the hunger for revenge, and the assumption of inadequacy. 


If children’s goal is attention, the coded message behind the behavior is "notice me" or "involve me usefully.” If the need is power, their behavior conveys that they need meaningful ways to contribute. If children are trying to get revenge, they are communicating they are hurting or need their feelings validated. When their goal is assumed inadequacy, expressed by giving up or wanting to be left alone, the message behind their behavior is a need for others to believe in their capability and show them small steps toward success.


We tend to have emotional responses when our children misbehave, and those feelings are the key to breaking the code of behavior. We recommend using this Positive Discipline Mistaken Goal chart. Use the first column to identify how we feel when faced with the behavior. The subsequent columns (such as how we tend to react and our child’s response) help hone in on the possible mistaken goal. Then, the chart also helps identify the possible beliefs behind the behavior, how adults may contrive, the underlying message, and proactive and empowering responses to shift the behavior. 


Pausing and remembering that misbehavior is a form of communication can help us respond to our children in more supportive ways. 


Playful Parenting


Play allows children to process and make sense of their lives. They need play, and as Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD, so eloquently explains in his book, Playful Parenting, children need the adults in their lives to play, too. Even though we may not feel like playing, by engaging in this way, we can create more closeness, cooperation, and confidence in our children.  


When there is a particularly tricky situation that keeps arising–perhaps bedtime, getting out of the house, sharing with a sibling, or something else–using a “playful parenting” model can help. To do this, first, briefly discuss the challenge together during a relaxed time when everyone is in a good mood. This conversation should be non-judgmental and focused more on making observations. For example, “I’ve noticed that when it’s time to leave for school, you seem to get really stuck, and then I get angry because we will be late. Have you noticed that?” This can be a time for your child to share their perspective, too. 


Then, with your child, try acting out the scenario in different ways: when everything goes well, when everything falls apart, with a new approach, etc. It’s also super enlightening and fun to try reversing roles. Have your child be the adult, and you be your child. Not only does this lighten the mood about a friction-causing moment, it can also provide both parties some insight into the other’s perspective. Plus, this playful approach strengthens the bond you have with your child.


Special Time


Another way to proactively cultivate a positive relationship is by scheduling “special time.” Our children need our undivided attention, yet so often, as parents, we are pulled in many directions. One way to address this is to commit to having five to ten minutes of one-on-one time with each child. Let your children know that this is when you will be with them one-on-one and 100%. If you have more than one child, each gets to choose what you both do together during that time, and it’s important to schedule separate one-on-one time with each. 


Be sure to play anything they want during this time and commit to the time together. Children love this special time, and be forewarned, they tend to choose the activity we least enjoy! If this is the case, remember it is only for a short duration. Use a timer and stay committed to having the time each day. This undivided attention helps children feel secure and connected. The result? They are more cooperative with us and each other.


Let Routines Rule


If struggles arise around particular times of day (bedtime, mealtime, transitions, getting ready for school, etc.), shifting to a visual schedule can really help. The key is to collaborate (again during a relaxed time when everyone is in a good mood) with your child to create a visual schedule of what needs to happen during these typically challenging times of the day. For example, if bedtime is tough, brainstorm together about all the steps: brushing teeth, bath time, pajamas, picking out clothes for the next day, storytime, etc. Then together, you can create images, either by drawing them or taking photos of your child doing each step. 


This visual schedule can be a checklist that is laminated so your child can use a dry-erase marker to check off each item they have completed, or pictures can be attached with velcro so they are movable (which allows room for the order to be changed if your child can reorder the flow of events). The idea behind this is to give children a sense of control and to also take the focus off of us reminding them of the next steps. When our children hear us giving constant reminders about what to do next, they can easily slip into resistance mode. Plus, by providing information through the visual sense (not just the auditory sense), a visual schedule helps children understand more concretely and remember the expected structure and sequence.



We’d love to hear how these techniques work for you! Parenting can be an emotionally exhausting experience. One of the gifts of these strategies is that they can also help you reconnect to the joy of raising these amazing (and challenging) beings! Also, let us know if you’d like to schedule a time to come visit in person. We love sharing insights and ideas about supporting children!




By LakeCreek Montessori School April 1, 2026
When children struggle, Montessori asks: what's in the way? Explore how the prepared environment helps children find their way back to themselves.
April 1, 2026
Discover why Montessori teaches cursive first — and how neuroscience is confirming what Dr. Montessori observed about children's hands and brains.
By LakeCreek Montessori School April 1, 2026
More Than a Chart on the Wall: How Montessori Timelines Build History, Imagination, and Character
By LakeCreek Montessori School April 1, 2026
Discover how Montessori education nurtures children's deepest human needs — from exploration and meaningful work to belonging and spiritual growth.
By LakeCreek Montessori School March 6, 2026
Discover how peer learning, meaningful context, adult interaction, and order align Montessori with the science of how children learn best.
By LakeCreek Montessori School March 6, 2026
Montessori education has been in existence for over a century, but does it actually work? Dr. Angeline Stoll Lillard spent years researching this question, and her book, Montessori: The Science Behind the Genius, is a must-read. In her book, Dr. Lillard identifies eight principles at the heart of Montessori education. What’s key is that these Montessori principles align with what developmental science tells us about how humans actually learn. The remarkable thing is that Dr. Maria Montessori arrived at most of these insights through careful observation of children, decades before the research existed to corroborate how children learn. In this two-part blog post, we’ll examine these eight principles and the connected research. PRINCIPLE ONE: Movement and Learning Are Deeply Entwined In most traditional classrooms, children are still expected to sit still, as if stillness is a prerequisite for learning. In Montessori, we understand how movement and thinking are intertwined. And research backs this up. Studies have found that physical activity improves cognition, judgment, memory, and social reasoning. Moving the body isn't a break from learning. Rather, the movement is often the learning (and this is even more so for younger children!). Montessori materials are designed to be touched, carried, sorted, and manipulated. Children working with the knobbed cylinder blocks are actively perceiving, making judgments, and reasoning through their hands. The same is true when children sort fabric squares by texture, shake and compare sound cylinders, or lay out bead bars to represent quantities. Every material helps children integrate their minds and bodies. Practical life activities take this even further. When children learn to pour, button, fold, or prepare food, they are engaging in organized sequences of purposeful action that develop concentration and executive function skills. What the Research Shows A Milwaukee study found that high school students who had previously attended Montessori programs significantly outperformed peers on math and science assessments, subjects that rely heavily on the kind of reasoning that, in Montessori, is first built through hands-on materials. PRINCIPLE TWO: Choice Improves Both Learning and Well-Being The freedom to choose is at the heart of Montessori education, but this isn’t just about enjoyment. Having choice measurably affects how well children learn and how they feel about themselves. In a striking series of studies, children aged seven to nine were given anagram puzzles to solve. Those who chose their own category of puzzle solved twice as many as children whose category had been chosen for them, even though the actual puzzles were identical. Those who had a choice also spent far more time voluntarily working on puzzles during free time. The key finding is that the perception of control (even in small things) activates a fundamentally different relationship to the work. Children who feel in control tend to engage more deeply, persist longer, and take more ownership of their learning. In a Montessori classroom, children choose their own work throughout the day. Importantly, Dr. Lillard notes that this freedom is always paired with responsibility, and that too many choices can be as demotivating as none. The Montessori environment offers meaningful, bounded choice. Rather than an overwhelming array, each classroom has a selection of purposeful materials designed to match children’s developmental readiness. Choice and concentration are closely connected, too. When children choose work that genuinely engages them, they're far more likely to reach a deep state of focus, or what psychologists call a “flow state.” PRINCIPLE THREE: Children Learn Best When They're Genuinely Interested This sounds obvious, of course! It makes sense that we learn better when we are interested. However, think about this in terms of how classrooms are typically structured. If interest is one of the most powerful drivers of learning, then organizing a school day around a single curriculum delivered to the whole class at once works against almost every child in the room. Dr. Montessori understood children's interests as biological signals pointing toward what their developing minds most need to engage with at that moment in their lives. These windows of opportunity, or "sensitive periods,” are particular stretches of development during which children are uniquely primed to absorb certain kinds of learning. During these windows, learning that matches the child's inner readiness can be extraordinarily effortless and lasting. The role of interest is why Montessori materials are designed to be beautiful, engaging, and self-correcting. The sensorial materials, for example, aren't only teaching discrimination of size or color. They are designed to help children become more interested in noticing the world around them. The adult’s role is to observe carefully and offer new lessons at the moment a child's interest is most alive. PRINCIPLE FOUR: Rewards Undermine the Motivation They're Meant to Build Offering children external rewards (e.g., stickers, prizes, praise for being smart) for activities they already enjoy reliably reduces their intrinsic motivation to do those things later. What the Research Shows Researchers identified preschoolers who loved drawing with markers. They then told one group they would receive a "Good Player Award" for drawing (a fancy certificate with a gold star). Weeks later, the children who had expected the reward used the markers far less than they had before, and half as much as children who had never been offered a reward at all. Expecting a reward had turned something they loved into something they did for a prize. And when the prize was gone, so was much of the pleasure. Rewards like sticker charts, gold stars, and even grades and honor rolls, shift children’s relationship to learning from "I do this because it interests me" to "I do this to get the reward." When the reward is taken away, children’s inner drive has often already weakened. In Montessori classrooms, feedback comes through the work itself, which includes many self-correcting materials, so children discover their own errors without external judgment. The goal is to keep children's relationship to learning intrinsic, personal, and durable. This doesn't mean feedback is absent, though! What matters is the kind of feedback. Research by psychologist Carol Dweck found that praising children for effort (e.g., "you worked really hard on that”) produces dramatically better outcomes than praising ability (e.g., “you’re so smart”). Children praised for effort choose harder challenges, persist longer after failure, and actually improve their performance over time. Children praised for their intelligence begin avoiding challenges, fearing that failure will expose them as not as smart as they were told they were. In our following blog post, we’ll look at the next four Montessori principles outlined in Dr. Angeline Stoll Lillard’s book, Montessori: The Science Behind the Genius: Children Learn Powerfully from Each Other Meaningful Context Makes Learning Richer and More Lasting How Adults Interact with Children Shapes Everything Order in the Environment Supports Order in the Mind In the meantime, schedule a tour here in North Austin to see the principles in action! And let us know if you would like to borrow a copy of Montessori: The Science Behind the Genius by Dr. Angeline Stoll Lillard. It is one of the most research-based books on Montessori education, and we recommend it to anyone who wants to understand the deeper logic of Montessori!
By LakeCreek Montessori School March 6, 2026
When we lose our cool, repair matters most. Explore accountability, curiosity, and connection to break reactive cycles and parent with intention.
By LakeCreek Montessori School March 6, 2026
Explore the Montessori three-period lesson and how its quiet simplicity unites words and meaning during a child’s sensitive period for language.
By LakeCreek Montessori School February 13, 2026
Explore a curated list of children’s books about water, rivers, and watersheds. These stories invite curiosity, care for the planet, and meaningful reading at home.
By LakeCreek Montessori School February 12, 2026
Montessori children experience long division in a concrete and meaningful way. This post shares how hands-on materials help children understand place value and build confidence with complex math.
Show More