Navigating Sibling Dynamics

The scene may feel familiar. We sit down for a family dinner. Our youngest starts tapping their spoon against a bowl, fascinated by the sound it makes. Our middle child begins asking a series of questions: “What does it mean to get an education? Why do people go to school? Why was Malala shot? Why are there wars?” The oldest starts getting frustrated with the other two, wanting them to follow directions and have their dinner places in order. In that chaotic moment before dinner, it’s easy for exasperation to take over. As adults, we might sometimes wonder what in the world propels our children. Really, what are they thinking when they try making holes by poking the table with a fork? Innate Human Tendencies We are born with innate human characteristics. We are hard-wired to explore, work, connect, and communicate. We crave order in our surroundings. We imagine possibilities. We create. We need to orient to what is around us, move our bodies, and wonder about the how and why. These human tendencies are unconscious, universal drives and they are at play from birth. Thus, the newborn has familiar landmarks when hearing their mother’s heartbeat. If allowed to be on the floor, the infant will rotate their body and move in amazing ways. This drive to move propels babies into scooting, crawling, and eventually coming to that upright position that allows them to use their hands and explore the environment. We recognize these needs in our infants, yet that vital life force is powerful for older children, too. When our child is exploring the noise of the spoon against the bowl, they aren’t trying to aggravate us. They are just exploring cause and effect, and delighting in the auditory result. Awareness of Internal Drives When we take time to remember that children are compelled by basic human tendencies, we can begin to explore those tendencies and, as such, help our children become their best selves. Our home and learning environments can provide children with a sense of order. Knowing where one’s things go and how to help contribute to a task provides children with a sense of security and belonging. Just think about the feeling of uncertainty you can get when you visit someone’s home and don’t know whether to take off your shoes, where to hang your coat, or even how to be useful. By making sure our children feel welcome and purposeful and providing consistent routines, we help children develop an orientation to the world around them. We can prepare our children for routines and offer accessible spaces that allow them to participate in the functioning of the day. They can help set the table, feed the cats, gather the laundry, prepare their lunches, and so much more. By participating in a meaningful way, they feel significant and ultimately more confident. Our children’s constant questioning merely comes from a need for intellectual exploration. These big questions speak to their newfound mental ability to ponder expansive ideas about the world. As our children venture into new territory, either physically or intellectually, they benefit from opportunities to test their ideas and make connections to what they already know. As social beings, we have to learn ways to collaborate effectively. The earliest humans had to cooperate to survive. An older child trying to force cooperation may just need some light support to find a way to communicate and connect with younger peers or siblings, rather than lapsing into exasperation. Supporting Development Human tendencies are unconscious, universal drives that support our adaptation to our particular time and place. We are hard-wired to adapt to our environment! The human tendencies – to orient, explore, order, abstract, imagine, calculate, work, be exact, perfect oneself, and communicate and associate with others – help aid this adaptation and really our ability to become our best selves. In Montessori, our classrooms and curriculum are designed with these human tendencies in mind, with particular attention to how these innate drives manifest themselves at different stages of development. We work to recognize, honor, and support innate characteristics in children so that we aren’t obstructing their important development. When supported in this way, our children can reach new heights. Come visit our school to learn more!

So often when we are bumping up against frustrating behavior from our children, we forget that one very effective way to work through the challenge is to include our children in the process! Step 1: Identify the Issue The best way to approach this is to first identify the challenge. Perhaps your child is having a hard time getting ready in the morning. Or maybe you are experiencing bedtime struggles. It might be as seemingly small as cooperation with brushing teeth. Or the issue may revolve around food: packing foods your child will eat, being willing to engage during dinner time, or eating a hearty breakfast before heading to school. Whatever the problem, first identify it in one simple sentence. Hone in on exactly the challenge or conflict, so it’s easy to state clearly. Step 2: Ask For Time to Talk Then you’ll want to find a time when everyone is in a mellow mood, perhaps feeling particularly happy, or even just well-fed and rested. At this point, it’s important to check in with your child by asking something like: “Is now a good time for us to talk?” Or “I’d like to brainstorm with you. Is now a good time?” It’s best to be at your child’s eye level and/or get together in a comfortable place that encourages connection. Then state the problem as simply and clearly as possible. It is especially important to avoid guilt, blame, shame, and exaggerations. One way to frame the conversation is to start with something like: “I have a situation that I want your help with.” For example, if your child has been struggling with leaving the house on time in the mornings, you might try stating: “I’ve noticed that our mornings have felt stressful and rushed.” You can then share the impact or how you feel: “As a result of rushing, I feel anxious and then start to get impatient and a little grumpy.” Followed by what you want: “I’m hoping we can figure out a new routine for our mornings so we can leave the house on time.” Step 3: Listen to Your Child’s Perspective After stating your take on things, it’s important to allow your child the space to share how they feel and what they want. All too often, we push our agendas, our perspectives, and our needs onto our children without opening up space and listening to what might be going on for them. By sharing your perspective without accusation or insistence, and then asking for their feedback and needs, you are demonstrating that you are committed to a collaborative approach. After your child has shared what is happening for them and what they need, you can explore if brainstorming possible solutions could help. Step 4: Brainstorm Together If brainstorming seems helpful, get a piece of paper and create a list of ideas or solutions. If your child is younger, you can do the recording. Regardless, free up each other’s thinking by not criticizing or rejecting any ideas during this brainstorming process. Let your imaginations run free. If possible, try to model some “out of the box” thinking and make the process as fun as possible. It’s even okay to get a little silly: “I know! We could invent a robot that puts on your coat and gloves for you!” Offering encouragement can help, too. “That’s a great idea. I never thought of that.” Or “Oh, that gives me another idea!” It’s important to not go into this process with a hidden agenda. Children are attuned to when we just want things to go our way. In the process of being open to ideas, you’ll likely find some unexpected solutions. Whenever possible, it’s also helpful to generate ideas in which both parties can win. Step 5: Cross Items off the List Once you’ve generated a list of possible solutions, go through the list together. Give your child the opportunity to first cross out any ideas that won’t work for them, and you can do the same. In this process, you can both talk about why particular ideas will or won’t work from your particular perspectives. After crossing out ideas, you’ll be left with some options. Together you can pick one of the suggestions, or a combination of ideas, as a solution to try. Step 6: Test it Out Emphasize that you can both agree to try the idea and then come back together in about a week to see if it is still working. You can write the agreement on a fresh sheet of paper and, if appropriate, both sign the paper to show a commitment to trying this new idea. Be sure to also thank your child for their cooperation! Be sure to also follow through with checking in with each other after trying out the solution for a week. If it isn’t working, review the list together and see if there is another idea worth trying. Creating an agreement ahead of time model’s respect. The result? Our children feel more willing to cooperate because the process has been collaborative. Curious to learn more about how to include children in a problem-solving process? Schedule a time to come in to observe and talk more!

In Montessori, we emphasize two words on a pretty regular basis: grace and courtesy. But what does grace and courtesy really mean? How are they an essential part of Montessori classrooms? And what role do they play in supporting the development of social relationships? What is Grace? What is Courtesy? Let’s first isolate each word. Google’s Oxford Languages defines “grace" in two parts: 1. simple elegance or refinement of movement, and 2. courteous goodwill. Courtesy is defined simply as: the showing of politeness in one’s attitude and behavior toward others. Stated another way, grace and courtesy comprise how we move through the space around us showing respect for ourselves and others. Grace & Courtesy Lessons In our toddler and primary classrooms, grace and courtesy are considered to be part of practical life learning and we devote significant time to grace and courtesy lessons. For example, the adults give explicit instruction on how to walk around someone’s work on the rug, how to wait your turn, how to offer help, how to tuck a chair under the table, or how to introduce oneself. These lessons are offered one-on-one or in small groups and we often use role playing as a technique for exploring the skills. We are very careful about how we introduce grace and courtesy to children. If we see something that needs to be addressed, we try to avoid confronting the child in the moment and we never offer grace and courtesy lessons as a form of punishment or correction. We are careful about this because children are often embarrassed when corrected by adults on the spot. When this happens, they can feel disrespected and not safe, and thus much less likely to perform the act on their own accord. In the Older Years As children enter their elementary and adolescent years, our approach shifts slightly. Elementary-age children are more focused on their social interactions and are learning how to navigate the ups and downs of friendships. As such, much of the grace and courtesy work at this level provides children with tools for communicating directly and respectfully, sharing perspectives thoughtfully, and even being discreet about something potentially embarrassing. In addition, they are learning how to interact with the broader community as they arrange visits or interviews, conduct themselves according to the norms of different communities, and explore how to be a host or be a guest. The Goal The goal in Montessori education is that these acts of grace and courtesy aren’t rigid expectations, like insisting that children say please and thank you. Rather, they become part of how children want to be and interact. Dr. Montessori is quoted as saying: “…the essential thing is that [the child] should know how to perform these actions of courtesy when his little heart prompts him to do so, as part of a social life which develops naturally from moment to moment.” Like all other exercises in Montessori prepared environments, we offer opportunities to regularly practice and repeat grace and courtesy skills. Because these experiences are part of the normal functioning of the day, they provide a respectful way for young people to learn expectations and for adults to provide scaffolding and assistance for social skills. The Results In time, as we offer these grace and courtesy opportunities and give children a safe place to practice, our young people eventually perform these skills independently. When you visit our school, you’re likely to see two young children sitting together one patiently showing the other how to tie their shoes. Or perhaps if you observe in a classroom, a couple of students might ask if you would like them to serve you tea or water. Our children bring a sad classmate a tissue or rush to assist when someone has a spill. They tuck their chairs under tables so others don’t trip over them. They carefully place a tray upon a table. They greet each other and adults in the hallways. They hold the door open when they see someone coming their way. In the process, Montessori children move beyond the basic niceties and think deeply about their impact on those around them. We’d love to show you this in action! Schedule a tour to see the ways that grace and courtesy help children recognize themselves as caring individuals within a supportive community.

In Montessori, we focus on supporting children’s intellectual, emotional, social, and academic growth. A scientist first and foremost, Dr. Maria Montessori was interested in creating optimal learning environments so that young humans could reach their potential with as few adult-created obstacles as possible. Thus, in Montessori, we think differently about the role of the adult and even how learning materials are used. One of the adults’ roles, for example, is to put children in touch with activities so that children can learn through doing. With this experiential approach, children can use their hands, engage through movement, and even make mistakes. The adults are not the dispenser of information or even the right answers. Rather, we help children learn how to learn, which includes understanding themselves as learners, figuring out how to use failure as a starting place for growth, and exploring the process as much as coming to an end product. To achieve this, the Montessori method has a very intricate approach that relies on providing children with building blocks over the course of their educational journey. Montessori guides engage in an individualized, long-term process of introducing children to a series of skills and information, all to help children experience ah-ha moments. We know that when children discover something for themselves, they own that information deeply. Sometimes we’ve seen children feel like they are the first discoverers of a new piece of knowledge, a linguistic tool, or a mathematical trick. For example, when children are learning the process of compound multiplication, we move them through a series of activities that connect their prior knowledge of place value, patterning they have experienced for years through different Montessori materials, and a color-coded system for quantities. As they work through steps that show how compound multiplication works, children often realize that they can take shortcuts rather than putting out and exchanging various colored bead bars on a material called the chequerboard. Once they start taking these “shortcuts” they are demonstrating that they have internalized the steps for multiplying multi-digit numbers. Sometimes in this process, children feel like they are discovering a fabulous secret or have invented a new mathematical method. However, we know that they are taking the necessary steps to abstractly compute the answer in a compound multiplication problem. One of the gifts of a Montessori education is that children have the opportunity to discover so much in their own way and in their own time. Rather than rote learning or memorization, children are given the chance to make connections. Through multiple learning experiences, these connections become interconnections that create complex neural pathways that often show up later in life. There is a reason why a Wall Street Journal piece coined the term “Montessori Mafia” to refer to a number of former Montessori students who have gone on to become what could be called tech titans and engaged innovators! If this process of discovery isn’t happening for some reason, Montessori guides are trained (and the materials are designed) to provide scaffolding so that children can still build upon prior knowledge and make progress toward mastery. Even so, sometimes extra support is needed and when this is the case, collaboration is key. Montessori works most effectively when there is a strong alignment between home and school. So, if a child needs some additional help or outside services, we work to coordinate with a tutor or support person so that everyone is working in alignment. If you ever want to show your child a shortcut or introduce some outside-of-school practice, we request that you take a moment to check in with your child’s classroom teacher. It might just be that your child is on the brink of discovery. They could be at the culmination of years of carefully designed preparation. They might be just about to make an important connection or realize a significant insight. And when someone is on the edge of understanding, it is a tremendous gift to allow them to have their moment! We thank you in advance for appreciating the intricacy of our approach and for connecting directly with us if you want to explore how to support your child(ren)’s learning. And of course, if you are interested in more about what happens when children can discover the process for themselves, we’d love to show you! Schedule a tour to see how Montessori students own their knowledge in powerful and profound ways.

Think of a time when you did an activity because you wanted to do it–maybe weeding your garden, reading a book, taking a walk, or rearranging your bedroom. Your motivations arose entirely from within you. You likely felt pure joy or satisfaction in the very act of what you were doing. In these activities, you may have also felt a sense of meaning or purpose. Or maybe you felt like you were accomplishing something positive. This is the experience of intrinsic motivation. Stated another way, intrinsic motivation is when we engage in a behavior because it is personally rewarding rather than for an external reward or to avoid punishment. Now contrast that experience with when you feel like have to do something. Let’s imagine the same activities, but the impetus for doing them was different: weeding because you were stressed about the neighborhood association expectations, reading an assigned book because you got roped into a book club, taking a walk to keep up with a workplace exercise challenge, or rearranging furniture to make your house more attractive to a potential buyer. When you are motivated by extrinsic factors, rather than those from within, the experience is different. Why Intrinsic Motivation Matters In Montessori, we work to help children develop their intrinsic motivation. But why do we care so much about intrinsic motivation? There are three main elements of intrinsic motivation: being able to act independently, feeling that one’s efforts matter, and developing satisfaction from the experience of mastery. We want our children to have these three experiences as they move through learning and life. When we are intrinsically motivated, we think and act with a sense of our growth potential and how we can have a positive impact on the world. In Montessori environments, rather than handing out punishments and rewards, we encourage children to find and connect to internal motivations. In doing so, children develop a sense of autonomy, purpose, and mastery, all skills that contribute to high emotional intelligence. In addition, intrinsic motivation is connected to having a growth mindset. When children have a growth mindset, they understand that they can learn from mistakes and that their abilities can evolve and grow. This leads to a willingness to embrace challenges and to see failure as an opportunity to learn. Some describe this as having cognitive hardiness, which is when we are motivated to work hard, try again, and incorporate new learning when facing challenges. Extrinsic Motivators are Everywhere All too often, children have a barrage of extrinsic motivators in their lives: from the seemingly positive external incentives like verbal praise (“good job!”), sticker charts, and grades, to more negative methods like punishments, time outs, and verbal reprimands. Alfie Kohn, author of Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes, explains how incentives can seem to work in the short run, but that the strategy ultimately fails and can even cause lasting harm. Research shows that extrinsic motivators work for the short term but that they don’t produce long-term change. For example, Mary Budd Rowe, from the University of Florida, found that students who were generously praised by their teachers responded to questions in an unsure voice, backed off from an idea as soon as an adult disagreed, were less likely to persevere with difficult tasks, and didn’t regularly share ideas with peers. Joan Grusec, from the University of Toronto, discovered that young children who received frequent praise for displays of generosity tended to be slightly less generous on an everyday basis than other children were. Likely this backsliding happens because every time children hear “good sharing” or “good job” the actions they were doing become something that aren’t important in their own right. Rather their actions become a means to an end: getting praise. The actual value of the action becomes usurped by the adult response. In addition to creating praise junkies, we can actually rob children of the opportunity to have satisfaction and meaning because of what they have done. When we doll out external motivators, we encourage children to look to adults for approval or attention. Lifelong Benefits When children are intrinsically motivated, they want to do well because it’s the right thing to do or feels personally satisfying. As a result, they develop a sense of pride in their accomplishments. Furthermore, when facing bad days or setbacks, intrinsically motivated children can persevere. They are able to get back up when they feel knocked down. With this kind of cognitive hardiness, children are able to believe in themselves. They are confident in their abilities. These skills can last a lifetime and help our children find true success in the world. Curious about what this looks like amongst a community of learners? Come visit the school and see how Montessori children use their intrinsic motivation in powerful ways!

Our children’s early years are essential for developing strong language skills. So, in Montessori, we pay particular attention to how we support young children’s receptive and expressive language development. The exercises we use to enhance children’s spoken language development don’t have a large physical presence on the classroom shelves because many are games or conversations. But the integration of these spoken language activities into a prominent part of children’s daily experience in our Montessori classrooms. The Purpose Young children are expanding their vocabulary at an astonishing rate: from recognition of about 50 words at age one, to about 1,000 words by age three, to at least 10,000 words by age five! We know that children absorb language effortlessly, so in Montessori we provide children with expansive vocabulary enrichment through a series of mindful oral language exercises. We also recognize that the adult is the most important language material in the classroom, so we use precise language whenever we are communicating with children. We offer rich, full, and beautiful language because we know we are providing an essential foundation for children. Our Favorite Activities We keep oral language alive and lively through a variety of purposeful activities. Classified Picture Books We choose wordless picture books that focus on a theme that is familiar to children or that are classified around a sequence (e.g., Amanda’s day). In the classroom, we sit down with one child and take a “picture walk” through the book to help the child interpret the picture clues. The adult doesn’t tell what is happening and rather asks the child about what they see. This process not only helps children develop their expressive language skills but also sets the stage for future reading and story interpretation. True Stories When we tell true stories, we invite a group of three to five children to join us. Sometimes we use little cultural artifacts or objects as we share stories about everyday life, or we offer little snippets about geography, art, music, biology, and geometry. The key to these stories is that they are based in reality and are not fictional stories. In sharing these stories, we offer children interesting and rich language, as well as spark their interest and imagination! The Question Game For this activity, we gather a small group of children who have a common experience. Then we ask a series of questions about that event. Being mindful to solicit answers from a variety of children, we focus on asking questions that can form a sequence and illuminate details. We then summarize the story based upon the children’s responses. Because children live in the moment and often don’t remember what happened yesterday, we try to do this activity on the day the common experience occurs. In addition to modeling how to tell a story and how to create complete sentences from one-word answers, we are also providing preparation for creative writing by taking an event and structuring it sequentially and highlighting details. Conversation at a Picture To engage children in this activity, we invite a small group to a piece of artwork on display and start a conversation about what the children observe in the picture. We focus on using “w” questions such as: What do you see? Where do you think they are? Why do you think…etc. We keep eliciting conversation by asking more questions: Do you see anything else in this area? Do you notice anything else about this scene? When the conversation begins to fade, we summarize the observations in a small narrative or story. Reading Literature We work to read quality children’s literature every day! When we do so, we highlight the book’s title, the author, and the illustrator. Under the age of six, children live in the present and are trying to adapt to the world around them. Because they are still too young to distinguish between fantasy and reality, we make sure to choose books that are grounded in reality. Reciting Poetry When reciting poetry, we do so from memory. We recite poems over a series of days and, just like with singing, children learn the poems by themselves and love to recite them. Children also absorb phonetic skills from any onset rhyme. Popular nursery rhymes support children’s process of learning to read! Objects in the Environment This activity is actually a series of games that follow a “listen and do” type format. After gathering a group of children, we explain that will say something to do and when a child hears their name, they get to do that action. We start with simple, one-step commands: Touch a shelf. Stand by a window. Walk around a table. We then progress both in complexity in terms of the types and categories objects as well as by offering double commands: Find a friend and shake hands. Choose a book and place it on a table. Play a bell and hum a tune. While quite fun, these games also have the added bonus of helping children develop their auditory memory. Classified Pictures For this work, we have collections of pictures representing categories of objects (types of transportation, furnishings, appliances, playground equipment, etc.), as well as cards with illustrations of geographical, geometrical, biological, and scientific terms (parts of a flower, land and water forms, polygons, etc.). When doing this activity with a child, we first name the classification (“These are all fruits.”) to help establish mental order. Then we play a little game to teach the vocabulary for the items pictured on the cards. The Sound Game The sound game helps children become aware of the phonemes in our language. We collect ten known objects on a tray and play an I Spy type game that isolates the beginning sounds of the objects, then later the ending sounds, and eventually the sounds in the middle of the words. The whole purpose of this game is to help children become aware of the sounds that make up words. Spoken language activities are the foundation for children’s receptive and expressive vocabularies. In addition to enhancing their vocabulary and providing an overarching structure for future work in writing and reading, engaging children in language games also helps increase their listening and comprehension skills. Above all, we take the time to listen to children’s own spontaneous efforts to express themselves, so that they gain confidence in speaking and feel that their thoughts have meaning. Come see (and hear!) all this spoken language work when you schedule a visit. We love to share what we do!

Social Benefits: The Elementary Years

The school and family connection is important for both parties involved. How do we strengthen it? What does it mean to have a connection between these two?

The holidays is a wonderful time to start rituals as a family. If you have a few that you practice, this read will give you some more to add to your list.