The Impact of Grace and Courtesy

LakeCreek Montessori School • March 4, 2024

In Montessori, we emphasize two words on a pretty regular basis: grace and courtesy. But what does grace and courtesy really mean? How are they an essential part of Montessori classrooms? And what role do they play in supporting the development of social relationships?

 

What is Grace? What is Courtesy?

 

Let’s first isolate each word. Google’s Oxford Languages defines “grace" in two parts: 1. simple elegance or refinement of movement, and 2. courteous goodwill. Courtesy is defined simply as: the showing of politeness in one’s attitude and behavior toward others. Stated another way, grace and courtesy comprise how we move through the space around us showing respect for ourselves and others.

 

Grace & Courtesy Lessons

 

In our toddler and primary classrooms, grace and courtesy are considered to be part of practical life learning and we devote significant time to grace and courtesy lessons. For example, the adults give explicit instruction on how to walk around someone’s work on the rug, how to wait your turn, how to offer help, how to tuck a chair under the table, or how to introduce oneself. These lessons are offered one-on-one or in small groups and we often use role playing as a technique for exploring the skills.

 

We are very careful about how we introduce grace and courtesy to children. If we see something that needs to be addressed, we try to avoid confronting the child in the moment and we never offer grace and courtesy lessons as a form of punishment or correction. We are careful about this because children are often embarrassed when corrected by adults on the spot. When this happens, they can feel disrespected and not safe, and thus much less likely to perform the act on their own accord.

 

In the Older Years

 

As children enter their elementary and adolescent years, our approach shifts slightly. Elementary-age children are more focused on their social interactions and are learning how to navigate the ups and downs of friendships. As such, much of the grace and courtesy work at this level provides children with tools for communicating directly and respectfully, sharing perspectives thoughtfully, and even being discreet about something potentially embarrassing. In addition, they are learning how to interact with the broader community as they arrange visits or interviews, conduct themselves according to the norms of different communities, and explore how to be a host or be a guest.

 

The Goal

 

The goal in Montessori education is that these acts of grace and courtesy aren’t rigid expectations, like insisting that children say please and thank you. Rather, they become part of how children want to be and interact. Dr. Montessori is quoted as saying: “…the essential thing is that [the child] should know how to perform these actions of courtesy when his little heart prompts him to do so, as part of a social life which develops naturally from moment to moment.” 

 

Like all other exercises in Montessori prepared environments, we offer opportunities to regularly practice and repeat grace and courtesy skills. Because these experiences are part of the normal functioning of the day, they provide a respectful way for young people to learn expectations and for adults to provide scaffolding and assistance for social skills.

 

The Results

 

In time, as we offer these grace and courtesy opportunities and give children a safe place to practice, our young people eventually perform these skills independently. 

 

When you visit our school, you’re likely to see two young children sitting together one patiently showing the other how to tie their shoes. Or perhaps if you observe in a classroom, a couple of students might ask if you would like them to serve you tea or water. 

 

Our children bring a sad classmate a tissue or rush to assist when someone has a spill. They tuck their chairs under tables so others don’t trip over them. They carefully place a tray upon a table. They greet each other and adults in the hallways. They hold the door open when they see someone coming their way. 

 

In the process, Montessori children move beyond the basic niceties and think deeply about their impact on those around them. We’d love to show you this in action! Schedule a tour to see the ways that grace and courtesy help children recognize themselves as caring individuals within a supportive community. 


By LakeCreek Montessori School April 1, 2026
When children struggle, Montessori asks: what's in the way? Explore how the prepared environment helps children find their way back to themselves.
April 1, 2026
Discover why Montessori teaches cursive first — and how neuroscience is confirming what Dr. Montessori observed about children's hands and brains.
By LakeCreek Montessori School April 1, 2026
More Than a Chart on the Wall: How Montessori Timelines Build History, Imagination, and Character
By LakeCreek Montessori School April 1, 2026
Discover how Montessori education nurtures children's deepest human needs — from exploration and meaningful work to belonging and spiritual growth.
By LakeCreek Montessori School March 6, 2026
Discover how peer learning, meaningful context, adult interaction, and order align Montessori with the science of how children learn best.
By LakeCreek Montessori School March 6, 2026
Montessori education has been in existence for over a century, but does it actually work? Dr. Angeline Stoll Lillard spent years researching this question, and her book, Montessori: The Science Behind the Genius, is a must-read. In her book, Dr. Lillard identifies eight principles at the heart of Montessori education. What’s key is that these Montessori principles align with what developmental science tells us about how humans actually learn. The remarkable thing is that Dr. Maria Montessori arrived at most of these insights through careful observation of children, decades before the research existed to corroborate how children learn. In this two-part blog post, we’ll examine these eight principles and the connected research. PRINCIPLE ONE: Movement and Learning Are Deeply Entwined In most traditional classrooms, children are still expected to sit still, as if stillness is a prerequisite for learning. In Montessori, we understand how movement and thinking are intertwined. And research backs this up. Studies have found that physical activity improves cognition, judgment, memory, and social reasoning. Moving the body isn't a break from learning. Rather, the movement is often the learning (and this is even more so for younger children!). Montessori materials are designed to be touched, carried, sorted, and manipulated. Children working with the knobbed cylinder blocks are actively perceiving, making judgments, and reasoning through their hands. The same is true when children sort fabric squares by texture, shake and compare sound cylinders, or lay out bead bars to represent quantities. Every material helps children integrate their minds and bodies. Practical life activities take this even further. When children learn to pour, button, fold, or prepare food, they are engaging in organized sequences of purposeful action that develop concentration and executive function skills. What the Research Shows A Milwaukee study found that high school students who had previously attended Montessori programs significantly outperformed peers on math and science assessments, subjects that rely heavily on the kind of reasoning that, in Montessori, is first built through hands-on materials. PRINCIPLE TWO: Choice Improves Both Learning and Well-Being The freedom to choose is at the heart of Montessori education, but this isn’t just about enjoyment. Having choice measurably affects how well children learn and how they feel about themselves. In a striking series of studies, children aged seven to nine were given anagram puzzles to solve. Those who chose their own category of puzzle solved twice as many as children whose category had been chosen for them, even though the actual puzzles were identical. Those who had a choice also spent far more time voluntarily working on puzzles during free time. The key finding is that the perception of control (even in small things) activates a fundamentally different relationship to the work. Children who feel in control tend to engage more deeply, persist longer, and take more ownership of their learning. In a Montessori classroom, children choose their own work throughout the day. Importantly, Dr. Lillard notes that this freedom is always paired with responsibility, and that too many choices can be as demotivating as none. The Montessori environment offers meaningful, bounded choice. Rather than an overwhelming array, each classroom has a selection of purposeful materials designed to match children’s developmental readiness. Choice and concentration are closely connected, too. When children choose work that genuinely engages them, they're far more likely to reach a deep state of focus, or what psychologists call a “flow state.” PRINCIPLE THREE: Children Learn Best When They're Genuinely Interested This sounds obvious, of course! It makes sense that we learn better when we are interested. However, think about this in terms of how classrooms are typically structured. If interest is one of the most powerful drivers of learning, then organizing a school day around a single curriculum delivered to the whole class at once works against almost every child in the room. Dr. Montessori understood children's interests as biological signals pointing toward what their developing minds most need to engage with at that moment in their lives. These windows of opportunity, or "sensitive periods,” are particular stretches of development during which children are uniquely primed to absorb certain kinds of learning. During these windows, learning that matches the child's inner readiness can be extraordinarily effortless and lasting. The role of interest is why Montessori materials are designed to be beautiful, engaging, and self-correcting. The sensorial materials, for example, aren't only teaching discrimination of size or color. They are designed to help children become more interested in noticing the world around them. The adult’s role is to observe carefully and offer new lessons at the moment a child's interest is most alive. PRINCIPLE FOUR: Rewards Undermine the Motivation They're Meant to Build Offering children external rewards (e.g., stickers, prizes, praise for being smart) for activities they already enjoy reliably reduces their intrinsic motivation to do those things later. What the Research Shows Researchers identified preschoolers who loved drawing with markers. They then told one group they would receive a "Good Player Award" for drawing (a fancy certificate with a gold star). Weeks later, the children who had expected the reward used the markers far less than they had before, and half as much as children who had never been offered a reward at all. Expecting a reward had turned something they loved into something they did for a prize. And when the prize was gone, so was much of the pleasure. Rewards like sticker charts, gold stars, and even grades and honor rolls, shift children’s relationship to learning from "I do this because it interests me" to "I do this to get the reward." When the reward is taken away, children’s inner drive has often already weakened. In Montessori classrooms, feedback comes through the work itself, which includes many self-correcting materials, so children discover their own errors without external judgment. The goal is to keep children's relationship to learning intrinsic, personal, and durable. This doesn't mean feedback is absent, though! What matters is the kind of feedback. Research by psychologist Carol Dweck found that praising children for effort (e.g., "you worked really hard on that”) produces dramatically better outcomes than praising ability (e.g., “you’re so smart”). Children praised for effort choose harder challenges, persist longer after failure, and actually improve their performance over time. Children praised for their intelligence begin avoiding challenges, fearing that failure will expose them as not as smart as they were told they were. In our following blog post, we’ll look at the next four Montessori principles outlined in Dr. Angeline Stoll Lillard’s book, Montessori: The Science Behind the Genius: Children Learn Powerfully from Each Other Meaningful Context Makes Learning Richer and More Lasting How Adults Interact with Children Shapes Everything Order in the Environment Supports Order in the Mind In the meantime, schedule a tour here in North Austin to see the principles in action! And let us know if you would like to borrow a copy of Montessori: The Science Behind the Genius by Dr. Angeline Stoll Lillard. It is one of the most research-based books on Montessori education, and we recommend it to anyone who wants to understand the deeper logic of Montessori!
By LakeCreek Montessori School March 6, 2026
When we lose our cool, repair matters most. Explore accountability, curiosity, and connection to break reactive cycles and parent with intention.
By LakeCreek Montessori School March 6, 2026
Explore the Montessori three-period lesson and how its quiet simplicity unites words and meaning during a child’s sensitive period for language.
By LakeCreek Montessori School February 13, 2026
Explore a curated list of children’s books about water, rivers, and watersheds. These stories invite curiosity, care for the planet, and meaningful reading at home.
By LakeCreek Montessori School February 12, 2026
Montessori children experience long division in a concrete and meaningful way. This post shares how hands-on materials help children understand place value and build confidence with complex math.
Show More