No More Mean Girls: The Secret to Raising Strong, Confident, and Compassionate Girls By Katie Hurley Many of the books written to address the “mean girl” dynamic are geared toward pre-teens and teens

LakeCreek Montessori School • June 20, 2024

Now that we are transitioning into the summer months, it’s a good time to take stock of some family dynamics. Usually when thinking about how things are going, we focus on children’s behaviors. Yet reflecting upon ourselves and our actions can also be a helpful first step.

 

First Look at Needs

 

Psychiatrist Rudolf Dreikurs has explored how human behavior has a purpose. Sometimes we are aware of the purpose and sometimes it is unconscious. Through his work with children, Dreikurs described how to understand behavior by first acknowledging the needs a person is trying to fulfill.

 

At the most basic level, we all need food, sleep, love, and protection. Certainly, if children (or adults) are starting to act out in some way, the first question to ask is if they are hungry, tired, or not feeling well. Once those basic needs are met, we can consider what else might be at play.

 

As humans, our need for belonging, connection, or significance is a strong force. If we don’t feel loved or accepted, we may do something (often unconsciously) to get affection or attention, maybe lash out to get even with whoever doesn't seem to be noticing these needs, or perhaps even retreat into a discouraged mode.

 

Understand Mistaken Goals

 

Dreikurs identified how many behaviors stem from four mistaken goals: the desire for attention, the need for power, the hunger for revenge, and the assumption of inadequacy. If our goal is attention, the coded message behind the behavior is "notice me" or "involve me usefully" If we need power, our behavior sends the message that we need meaningful ways to contribute. If we are trying to get revenge, we are communicating that we are hurting or need our feelings validated. And when we assume inadequacy by giving up or wanting to be left alone, the message behind the behavior is that we need people to believe in us and show small steps toward success.

 

Although Dreikurs focused on children, the principles apply to us all. When we "act out," what are we trying to communicate to those around us? First and foremost, we should check and see if our basic needs are being met. Are we taking time to breathe? Are we eating nourishing food? Are we getting substantial sleep? If we are taking care of our basic needs, we can reflect upon what else might unconsciously be motivating our actions. Do we need someone to notice our efforts? Do we feel powerful in our lives? Are we doing work that matters? Are we holding onto a grudge? Are we discouraged?

 

Practice Self-Acceptance

 

Children need the adults in their lives to peer behind their behavior, consider underlying causes, and provide empowering support. As adults, however, we often need to do this for ourselves first. At the heart of the process is self-acceptance. We need to love ourselves unconditionally and give ourselves the time and space to attend to our unconscious motivations.

 

One of the first acts of loving kindness we can do is take care of ourselves, notice our own needs, and patiently honor our efforts. When we are clear about our own needs, we can then be more effective in interpreting our children’s unmet or unspoken needs.

 

Examine the Clues

 

Once we have given ourselves some grace, we can better pause and notice what might be behind our children’s behavior. If we’ve considered our own unmet needs, we can have more empathy for what might be unconsciously motivating our children.

 

A key to this is to see what emotions we feel when our children act out in some way. The Positive Discipline approach, which is based on Dreikurs’ work, offers a helpful tool called the Mistaken Goal Chart.

 

When our children display some sort of bothersome or upsetting behavior, we can use this chart to hone in on three significant clues that let us know what our children actually need.

 

The first clue can be found in recognizing what emotions our children’s behavior brings up for us. Do we feel annoyed and irritated, angry and challenged, hurt and disappointed, or hopeless and inadequate?

 

The next clue is how we react to the behavior. Do we coax? Give in? Fight back? Retaliate? Give up? Try to over-help?

 

The third clue is how our children respond to our reactions. Do they stop temporarily but then resume the behavior? Does the behavior intensify? Is there retaliation? Or just passivity?

 

Peel Back the Layers

 

By using the Mistaken Goal Chart, we can begin to peel back the layers and start to understand what beliefs may be underlying children’s behaviors. This process helps us also look at how we may be contributing to the behavior and what the coded messages mean. Once we understand all of those pieces we can shift our responses so as to better empower our children in proactive and helpful ways.

 

Rather than falling into unconscious patterns this summer, let’s first consider and acknowledge our own unspoken needs and proactive ways to take care of ourselves. Then, let’s take the same compassionate approach with our children. Often, we all just need to feel a sense of belonging, connection, and significance. Here’s to creating that together this summer!

 

As always, please also feel free to schedule a visit. We love connecting about all things children and child-rearing!

 

By LakeCreek Montessori School April 1, 2026
When children struggle, Montessori asks: what's in the way? Explore how the prepared environment helps children find their way back to themselves.
April 1, 2026
Discover why Montessori teaches cursive first — and how neuroscience is confirming what Dr. Montessori observed about children's hands and brains.
By LakeCreek Montessori School April 1, 2026
More Than a Chart on the Wall: How Montessori Timelines Build History, Imagination, and Character
By LakeCreek Montessori School April 1, 2026
Discover how Montessori education nurtures children's deepest human needs — from exploration and meaningful work to belonging and spiritual growth.
By LakeCreek Montessori School March 6, 2026
Discover how peer learning, meaningful context, adult interaction, and order align Montessori with the science of how children learn best.
By LakeCreek Montessori School March 6, 2026
Montessori education has been in existence for over a century, but does it actually work? Dr. Angeline Stoll Lillard spent years researching this question, and her book, Montessori: The Science Behind the Genius, is a must-read. In her book, Dr. Lillard identifies eight principles at the heart of Montessori education. What’s key is that these Montessori principles align with what developmental science tells us about how humans actually learn. The remarkable thing is that Dr. Maria Montessori arrived at most of these insights through careful observation of children, decades before the research existed to corroborate how children learn. In this two-part blog post, we’ll examine these eight principles and the connected research. PRINCIPLE ONE: Movement and Learning Are Deeply Entwined In most traditional classrooms, children are still expected to sit still, as if stillness is a prerequisite for learning. In Montessori, we understand how movement and thinking are intertwined. And research backs this up. Studies have found that physical activity improves cognition, judgment, memory, and social reasoning. Moving the body isn't a break from learning. Rather, the movement is often the learning (and this is even more so for younger children!). Montessori materials are designed to be touched, carried, sorted, and manipulated. Children working with the knobbed cylinder blocks are actively perceiving, making judgments, and reasoning through their hands. The same is true when children sort fabric squares by texture, shake and compare sound cylinders, or lay out bead bars to represent quantities. Every material helps children integrate their minds and bodies. Practical life activities take this even further. When children learn to pour, button, fold, or prepare food, they are engaging in organized sequences of purposeful action that develop concentration and executive function skills. What the Research Shows A Milwaukee study found that high school students who had previously attended Montessori programs significantly outperformed peers on math and science assessments, subjects that rely heavily on the kind of reasoning that, in Montessori, is first built through hands-on materials. PRINCIPLE TWO: Choice Improves Both Learning and Well-Being The freedom to choose is at the heart of Montessori education, but this isn’t just about enjoyment. Having choice measurably affects how well children learn and how they feel about themselves. In a striking series of studies, children aged seven to nine were given anagram puzzles to solve. Those who chose their own category of puzzle solved twice as many as children whose category had been chosen for them, even though the actual puzzles were identical. Those who had a choice also spent far more time voluntarily working on puzzles during free time. The key finding is that the perception of control (even in small things) activates a fundamentally different relationship to the work. Children who feel in control tend to engage more deeply, persist longer, and take more ownership of their learning. In a Montessori classroom, children choose their own work throughout the day. Importantly, Dr. Lillard notes that this freedom is always paired with responsibility, and that too many choices can be as demotivating as none. The Montessori environment offers meaningful, bounded choice. Rather than an overwhelming array, each classroom has a selection of purposeful materials designed to match children’s developmental readiness. Choice and concentration are closely connected, too. When children choose work that genuinely engages them, they're far more likely to reach a deep state of focus, or what psychologists call a “flow state.” PRINCIPLE THREE: Children Learn Best When They're Genuinely Interested This sounds obvious, of course! It makes sense that we learn better when we are interested. However, think about this in terms of how classrooms are typically structured. If interest is one of the most powerful drivers of learning, then organizing a school day around a single curriculum delivered to the whole class at once works against almost every child in the room. Dr. Montessori understood children's interests as biological signals pointing toward what their developing minds most need to engage with at that moment in their lives. These windows of opportunity, or "sensitive periods,” are particular stretches of development during which children are uniquely primed to absorb certain kinds of learning. During these windows, learning that matches the child's inner readiness can be extraordinarily effortless and lasting. The role of interest is why Montessori materials are designed to be beautiful, engaging, and self-correcting. The sensorial materials, for example, aren't only teaching discrimination of size or color. They are designed to help children become more interested in noticing the world around them. The adult’s role is to observe carefully and offer new lessons at the moment a child's interest is most alive. PRINCIPLE FOUR: Rewards Undermine the Motivation They're Meant to Build Offering children external rewards (e.g., stickers, prizes, praise for being smart) for activities they already enjoy reliably reduces their intrinsic motivation to do those things later. What the Research Shows Researchers identified preschoolers who loved drawing with markers. They then told one group they would receive a "Good Player Award" for drawing (a fancy certificate with a gold star). Weeks later, the children who had expected the reward used the markers far less than they had before, and half as much as children who had never been offered a reward at all. Expecting a reward had turned something they loved into something they did for a prize. And when the prize was gone, so was much of the pleasure. Rewards like sticker charts, gold stars, and even grades and honor rolls, shift children’s relationship to learning from "I do this because it interests me" to "I do this to get the reward." When the reward is taken away, children’s inner drive has often already weakened. In Montessori classrooms, feedback comes through the work itself, which includes many self-correcting materials, so children discover their own errors without external judgment. The goal is to keep children's relationship to learning intrinsic, personal, and durable. This doesn't mean feedback is absent, though! What matters is the kind of feedback. Research by psychologist Carol Dweck found that praising children for effort (e.g., "you worked really hard on that”) produces dramatically better outcomes than praising ability (e.g., “you’re so smart”). Children praised for effort choose harder challenges, persist longer after failure, and actually improve their performance over time. Children praised for their intelligence begin avoiding challenges, fearing that failure will expose them as not as smart as they were told they were. In our following blog post, we’ll look at the next four Montessori principles outlined in Dr. Angeline Stoll Lillard’s book, Montessori: The Science Behind the Genius: Children Learn Powerfully from Each Other Meaningful Context Makes Learning Richer and More Lasting How Adults Interact with Children Shapes Everything Order in the Environment Supports Order in the Mind In the meantime, schedule a tour here in North Austin to see the principles in action! And let us know if you would like to borrow a copy of Montessori: The Science Behind the Genius by Dr. Angeline Stoll Lillard. It is one of the most research-based books on Montessori education, and we recommend it to anyone who wants to understand the deeper logic of Montessori!
By LakeCreek Montessori School March 6, 2026
When we lose our cool, repair matters most. Explore accountability, curiosity, and connection to break reactive cycles and parent with intention.
By LakeCreek Montessori School March 6, 2026
Explore the Montessori three-period lesson and how its quiet simplicity unites words and meaning during a child’s sensitive period for language.
By LakeCreek Montessori School February 13, 2026
Explore a curated list of children’s books about water, rivers, and watersheds. These stories invite curiosity, care for the planet, and meaningful reading at home.
By LakeCreek Montessori School February 12, 2026
Montessori children experience long division in a concrete and meaningful way. This post shares how hands-on materials help children understand place value and build confidence with complex math.
Show More